Beyond Awkward, September 2009 Abundance League Meeting Notes

Last week we had a World Cafe styled brainstorm to raise our collective romantic IQ. Love and relationships are private, yet so necessary to a great life. This gave our temporary mutual aid society around love and relationships a special energy, not to mention sparking lots of laughter. I commend those who came and shared their needs, fears, and ideas so openly. Everyone held space for the vulnerability that comes with love and relationships without taking it too seriously either. Below are the ideas that the group generated about dating and relationships in two 15 minute brainstorms.

Dating ideas:

-For those of you that hate dating, remember that dating is a skill. You can get better at it, which will make it more fun and increase the chances of finding a good mate.
-Don’t have sex out of relationship
-Or to put it another way, dating doesn’t necessarily mean having sex with different people, it can mean a nonsexual way to find someone to commit to
-Find and pursue your passions, this better the odds of finding someone who shares your passions
-Have no expectations, or to put in a Zen way, do not become attached to the outcome, be and act in the moment, this is one of the secrets of doing well in any field

-Know what you want in a mate, divide these into “must haves” and “nice to haves.” Quickly qualify your potential mates. Do not date anyone that does not have your “must haves.”
-Be honest, let people know your relationships status whether single, attached, or in an open relationship. This will make you more attractive and is respectful of your date.
-Leave San Francisco!
-Or to put it another way, expand your network, make contact with new communities with new possibilities
-Make first dates low risk with a short, defined time span and low financial investment. Go to coffee for an hour. Have one or two after work drinks. First dates should always have an escape hatch. And low risk dates are great opportunities to qualify your dates (are they available in a way you find acceptable, do they have your “must haves.” For hetero women – you can counter dinner date offers with an offer for coffee or drinks.
-Let your friends know what you want and casually enlist them as matchmakers. Attached women or committed couples can be motivated matchmakers. Then work your network. Call your matchmakers regularly for updates on who they may have met recently that may be available. Dating does not have to be a solo act. Let people help you.
-For the guys: be a gentleman
-Be positive about being single and dating. Bitterness, regrets, obsessing about the past are huge turnoffs.
-Know what you want in life and go for it. Create a life worth sharing. And find someone along the way. Your life can be the best way to find a good mate!

Relationship Ideas:

-Practice communications skills everyday
-Don’t avoid talking
-Find people that you have communication chemistry with
-Don’t make assumptions, try to see your partner’s perspective
-Be clear about what you want in life and relationship, communicate this with partner
-Think about “not only what my partner can do for me, but what I can do for my partner” Inspired by JFK.
-Demonstrate genuine interest through action
-Have shared goals and world view (maybe even a sharing mission statement)
-Push each other’s spiritual / human growth
-Agreement on level of independence, clear on expectations around responsibilities
-Embrace the reality that relationships can be difficult
-Embrace that the quality of your love will evolve over time
-Respect legitimate personal boundaries, be brave enough to communicate these
-Hold space for discussing how to deal with family and friends
-Therapy! Developing the ability to reflect on your own behavior and take others needs into account
-Be clear on important issues like kids, career, where to live, etc.
-Ability to identify needs and get them met, and brave enough to communicate them
-Notice patterns or situations that lead to conflict so that you can avoid, work around, or work with them
-Don’t take fights personally. Conflict is unavoidable. Learn how to manage it.
-Realize that you don’t have to totally understand your partner, but you do have to accept
-Honesty, let your partner know how you feel, don’t hide things, don’t censure
-Openly share your sexual expectations and desires
-Understand that your primary relationship can’t satisfy all your needs and that friends and community are needed

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ABUNDANCE LEAGUE MEMBER ANNOUNCEMENTS

Name: Michael Stoll
Passion: public media, free press, Public-Press.org, community news
Needs: tech, marketing, and finance people
Gifts: Write, edit, do web stuff

Name: Neal
Passion: bringing people together to solve their problems or create something new
Needs: readers for Shareable.net when it comes out
Gifts: planning, brainstorming, faith, persistence

Name: Ellen Roggemann
Passion: growing and cooking local organic food in a way that’s accessible to a wide variety of people; farmer’s markets; underground cafes
Needs: land for urban gardening & livestock, space for underground restaurants; a place to stay in Petaluma (in exchange for vegetables?); busy, conscientious people to cook for
Gifts: knows how to grow food, cook, make jam, write, little bike maintenance things
www.radicalradish.org

Name: Don Steiny
Passion: excited about the fact that he is writing a book about social networks (network of relationships that make us who we are, not just the software programs)
Needs: here stories about people that have lived in multiple cultures and understand what it is to see culture from the outside
Gifts: help people start companies, venture capitalists, technology, published author in sociology and information systems, good writer, good and harsh editor

Name: Taj Moore
Passion: Social Networking. Social media. People.
Needs: Clarity about what Denver needs, help create the Denver Abundance League.
Gifts: Non SF perspective.

Name: Jasmin Zorlu
Passion: sculptural headwear from exotic materials (fish leather, for example). Passionate about accessories and hats
Needs: a space for six people to do hatmaking workshops … 8 hours each. A likeminded person to do sales & marketing of her business. Connecting people.

Name: John Wilner, www.countercorp.org
Passion: film, social commentary: looking at social systems and analyzing them.
Needs: people who are interested in those things. self motivated people, proactive, passionate people.
Gifts: organizing things and events.

Name: Leah Lamb
Passion: East Coasters on the West Coast, telling/hearing/deciphering stories, sustainability, connecting, wilderness,
Needs: Extra time, people who have good stories for Green Channel on Current TV
Gifts: Connecting people, overabundance of ideas,

Name: Erica Priggen
Passion: new apartment: living alone with light and spatiousness. Creativity with purpose and direction. Exec producer at freerange studios. Social and environmental causes. Pasion for ideas: human consciensness: evolution: ways to apply creativity. Funny people. People doing work they are meant to do in the world.
Needs: more massage. Room to grow. Space.
Gifts: good listener, seeing the big picture, like supporting people inn that way, nature.

Name: Pearl Lee
Passion: people, food, enjoying life
Need: someone who knows how to write stories better than she does, someone who can say things in a more diplomatic way than she can, and rephrase what she has in her head. Job networking.
Gifts: loves to cook and organizing things. If you give her an idea she will make it happen. She can be pushy, but she will make it happen.

Name: Nolwenn Godard
Passion: Painting, being and connecting with people, making difference in the world, sustainability
Gift: translation in French, good at connecting people together.
Need: get feedback and icorporate others’ ideas in offering new products in my company that will enable worldwide carbon footprint.

Name: Bosco Ho
Scientist UCSF – proteins
Passions: new age /meditation/spirituality / playing the guitar
Needs:see some films
Gifts: book suggestions in various topics.